Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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