The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
not ubering you a puppy
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
