Dude my mom stole all your condoms
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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