and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
