Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
