when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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