You just made me feel so damn special
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
