Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
