This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
