Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
