I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
