I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
