I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
