I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
