im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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