..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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