her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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