Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
