I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I lost the right to judge tonight
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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