i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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