So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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