She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
