Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize