I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Drunk is not a location!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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