taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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