It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I could fuck to npr.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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