be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
