the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
