I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish you could order shots online.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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