you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
