rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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