So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
