It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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