My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
