What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's official drugs can't kill me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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