dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My feet surprised me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
