I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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