My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
