I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
