Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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