i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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