Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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