we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
