My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It's shark week go big or go home
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
