I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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