i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
