I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
