It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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