I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
