piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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