I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
