Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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