she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
