So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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