There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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