Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Houston, we have a squirter
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
